God has the best sense of humor, i swear. gotta love it.
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i feel like i’m in a losing battle with the devil tonight. i hate this feeling. God, give me the hope and the strength to feel free and in Your arms. <3
+this might end up being a rant. if it does, i’m sorry. i don’t know why i’m writing this, but it really bothers me when people say there’s no such thing as psychological disorders. and when people say that therapy is not legitimate. i have a lot of friends who have had issues that have required them to see a therapist. sometimes when i relapse with some of my self-promises, i think that i myself could benefit. so to those people that say only Jesus can heal you, you’re right. but sometimes He asks us to do it through people. we need people. sometimes Jesus asks us to reach out to others people to help and get help. sometimes that’s in His plan. so i guess right now, i’m trying to figure out his plan for me. in the meantime, don’t judge. it’s not your place. you don’t know the entire stories behind your brothers and sisters, and you never entirely will. God does, and He loves everyone so deeply. so i guess what i’m saying is, my prayer for myself and for everyone is to not be afraid to ask for help. i’m not sure in what form i am going to seek help, but i am going to take action. i’m scared of being trapped in this body. in all honesty, i’m scared of my own body, if that makes sense. i am sick of living in this body in shame and guilt and entrapment. i want to love like Jesus. i want to see myself the same way that He does, a holy temple. i’m not quite there yet, but we’re working on it. that’s the beauty of it. and sorry, this is a rant. sorry if it is incoherent.
+day one of my rigorous diet plan/exercise routine is complete! i feel accomplished, and i’m definitely on the road to being a ton healthier in body and spirit. :)
+am i a holy temple?
these are the words that echo in my head, the questions that puzzle me and coarse through my veins. tonight, i hurt myself again. i made a promise back in October to my one true Love, that i would stay free from the bondage i had been harboring over myself. and i broke it.
i am a product of 2012. i am a product of 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, 1999, 1998, 1997, 1996, 1995, and 1994. i am a product of today’s society: the fast-paced, broken, deceiving world we live in today. i was fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who loves and cars so tenderly, but i’ve allowed myself to become sucked up into the current of which i cannot keep up; the temporary, the dissatisfaction that comes from trying to keep up with the things i have absorbed my attention into.
i cut. i curse. i judge others. i am insecure. i have issues with accepting my body. i have so many doubts about believing and being my true self and being loved. i am so human. but God loves me for that, because He loves being capable of radically changing me in spite of that.
i’m not trying to dramatize this issue, i’m trying to be honest. and i need someone to hole me accountable. i need help. for a long time i thought that meant i could help myself, that i could go along, quietly, in pain—hoping eventually some self help book would come along and diagnose me with something so that i could pick up the pieces and fix myself.
my name is Laine. i’m only seventeen. i am unsure about a lot of things: my political stance, where i see myself in ten years, what i want to be when i grow up, if i will find someone to share my life with forever, what challenges i’m going to face tomorrow—i’m clueless. but God gave me more than a clue to figure out my worth… He gave me the Bible. tonight i was reading it, and questioning it, pondering so many things, but i heard a small, still voice.
a midst the turmoil in my heart, the questioning of my worth, i heard a still, small voice, one i wish i heard more often. i think it’s always there, but my head is too noisy to usually hear it. but tonight i heard it, and i fell in love with it all over again. His voice made my heart melt. it always does.
so, is my body a temple?
yes. do i treat it as such? no, not all the time. does that make me a filthy, unworthy person? no. i can’t make too many promises, i can’t promise i’ll never cut again. i can’t promise that i am always going to speak up when someone’s voice needs to be heard or always be in tune to my sonar Holy Spirit ears. but that beauty is, with grace, i can try. i can do all things through Christ, strengthening my heart, radiating His love on my everyday. i am a warrior.
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